


Doomed to Die

by Woman_of_the_Book



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur finds out about Merlin's magic, Dark, Dark Thoughts, Gen, Guilt, Morgana curses Merlin, Near Major Character Death, Post Season 3, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Whump, self deprecation, tragic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 16:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6122404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woman_of_the_Book/pseuds/Woman_of_the_Book
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If things are going to be this way, is it really worth fighting for? Merlin always wanted to tell Arthur of his magic, but for it to be at the price of this... Merlin doesn't want anyone else dying because of him. Not anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Curse

**Author's Note:**

> lætan sé þéostornes uncoðu úre ferþþ, lætan hit lÆdan þu æt úre forscrífan - Let the darkness plague your mind, let it lead you to your doom

They were in the council chambers when Morgana had suddenly appeared in burst of wind, letting the knights barely unsheathing their swords before she started flinging her hands, making all the furniture in the room crash to the walls at the side.

Her eyes glinted with madness as she raised her hand towards Arthur, who was just getting his sword poised to attack.

"Morgana-" but whatever Arthur was about to say, he was cut off by Morgana herself.

" _Lætan sé þéostornes uncoðu úre ferþþ, lætan hit lÆdan þu æt úre forscrífan!"_  She shouted the enchantment, and a burst of magic erupted from her raised hand, heading straight for Arthur. The magic was too fast, and Arthur was still caught by surprise over the rush of the events so he had no chance of dodging the spell -

Until Merlin jumped right in front of him, taking the spell square in the chest.

"Merlin!" Arthur cried out as Merlin crumpled to the floor while Morgana let out a shriek of fury.

"I am not letting you go this time brother. Merlin may have taken the curse, but thats two birds in one stone for me," Morgana screamed as she raised her hand again, but as she let out another burst of magic wordlessly, Merlin stood upright in front of the king who had fallen to his feet for his friend.

Merlin raised a hand.

And a shield erupted in front of every knight, Gwen, Gaius and Merlin himself with Arthur behind him, letting the spell Morgana threw bounce off harmlessly.

Silence reigned the halls as everyone stared at Merlin, until a gagging sound pierced the air.

Arthur stood behind Morgana, somehow making his way from behind Merlin to behind the High Priestess, and his sword was now sticking out her chest from where it pierced her through her back.

With a jerk of his hand, Arthur slid his sword out of Morgana, letting the woman slump to the ground, her eyes glassy and her mouth still parted in surprise. Kneeling down, Arthur closed Morgana's eyes, but he didn't stay kneeling for long, as he slowly started to raise himself again, the grip on his sword tightening as he stared at Merlin, his face unreadable.

It was then that Merlin allowed himself to slump to the ground, unconscious as well.

* * *

_"_ _You lied to him."_

Merlin grimaced, closing his eyes harder as he tried in vain to block out the noises by pressing his hands to his ears, curling up on his side on the bed. He was aware that he was in his chambers at the back of Gaius' chambers, but he wasn't putting too much thought on his current residence as of the moment.

_"_ _He deserves so much more."_

"Stop," Merlin groaned aloud, not hearing the screeching of wood against wood from Gaius' chambers at his voice.

" _Traitor."_

"Merlin?" the door to his chambers burst open, letting in a harried Gaius. "How are you feeling?"

_"_ _Worthless."_

"What happened?" Merlin bit out, gritting his teeth as he tried to focus on his mentor.

" _Good for nothing."_

Gaius blinked, and it was then Merlin realized that not only did Gaius look bone weary, but there were unshed tears glistening in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry Merlin," Gaius whispered. "Arthur has set a trial for you tomorrow, now that you're awake."

Merlin blinked.

_"_ _You might as well die."_

* * *

Merlin lay in bed for the rest of that day, the voice persistent as it whispered into his ear every other second, barely aware of Gaius moving around his chambers or bringing in Merlin food and drink.

But as night fell, Merlin was more than aware of hearing Gaius retire to bed.

_"_ _Might as well do something properly."_

_"_ _Are you going to let the old man suffer as he watches you burn?"_

_"_ _What if he speaks aloud?"_

_"_ _He'll burn right along with you."_

_"_ _One more death to add on your head."_

_"_ _Who can be sure, though, that the deaths won't stop with Gaius?"_

_"_ _Let it end with you."_

_"_ _There's no reason for you to live anyway."_

_"_ _You're going to die by tomorrow either way."_

_"_ _Do you want others to die with you?"_

_"_ _The Great Purge would start yet again."_

_"_ _But if you die now…"_

Slowly, as if in a trance - though for all the world he may as well have been in a trance - Merlin raised himself from his bed for the first time that day. Moonlight glinted through the small window, casting enough light for Merlin to be able to make out the way to his door without bumping into anything and possibly waking up Gaius.

He made his way down the stairs slowly, immediately taking in the form of his sleeping mentor. He couldn't help the small, sad smile that graced his features then, and instinctively lowering his eyes to hide the golden glow, he watched the man's threadbare blanket climb higher onto Gaius' shoulders before settling again.

Merlin continued to watch his mentor sleeping - somewhat - peacefully, for what may as well be the last time he'd get to see his mentor, but the smile had soon slipped off his face. A moment longer, and he blinked, remembering what exactly he was doing out here, and grimly setting his shoulders, he made his way to the cupboard holding many of the vials Gaius used - including what Merlin was going to need now.

He looked first, not wanting to reach out for the glass vials just yet, trying to avoid as much as noise as possible, and despite being behind other vials, years of experience let Merlin find the vial easily.

Hemlock.

The voice, which had so far been quiet, piped up again.

_"_ _It's what you deserve after all."_

_"_ _You poisoned your own friend."_

_"_ _Its only fair you experience what she had to go through."_

_"_ _And both of you, so much more."_

His resolve strengthened, he silently pushed away the other vials and reached out for the vial at the back.

His hands firmly gripping the vial, he stepped away from the shelf, casting one last morose look around Gaius' chambers, before grim resolution set down on his face again, and he briskly yet quietly made his way back to his chambers.

Once settled down into his bed, he looked at the vial in his hands, the skeleton warning of it's contents fatality seemingly mocking him.

Merlin looked out the window, moonlight streaming through to cast light onto his silent tears.

He had to get rid of the vial when he was done, there couldn't be any way to save him once he took this step. And he knew how, of course. There wasn't much of any other choice except for his magic.

His magic… What had gotten him to this big of a mess in the first place.

The voice, was ever eager to give him reasons it seemed.

_"_ _If you didn't have magic, you could have been more worthy of Arthur."_

_"_ _If you didn't have magic, so many people wouldn't have died."_

He couldn't bear any more of it. Yes, the voice was true in every way, but really, truth does tend to sting.

So that was it then. He was going to use magic one last time, and hopefully for once, for the greater good.

Merlin closed his eyes, taking in deep breaths before he opened his eyes again.

He pulled open the stopper, and downed it's contents in one go.

 


	2. The Resolve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starts with Gaius POV, then Arthur, then lastly Merlin

"Merlin?" Gaius opened the door slowly, feeling older than ever as he pushed his way into his ward's chambers as silently as possible. The poor boy was sleeping, looking peaceful as he dreamed, and Gaius feared this would be the last time he ever saw his ward, much less peacefully.

Except... as Gaius moved closer, he feared his heart might have skipped a beat, thought that was the least of his worries; Merlin wasn't breathing.

"Merlin!" Gaius positively yelled, and he would never be ashamed to admit how his heart felt like it leapt out of him through his throat as he ran faster than should be possible for his age and weaknesses.

He put his hand on the warlock's neck, hoping against hope that he could find even the slightest of heartbeats, but as time went on without any motion under his fingers, Gaius felt his legs start to give away under him.

Until he felt a weak pulse.

"Merlin!" he shouted again, this time joy mixed with his heavy despair, and not wasting another moment, he let the physician state of his mind take over, letting it lead him to his chambers to start looking up an antidote, and ignoring the guard that had burst into his chambers at the sound of his shouting…

However… what was he looking for an antidote  _for?_

But when Gaius got his answer, through the symptoms of his ward, and the scent coming from the shattered piece of glass under the boy's bed, not to mention the one vial that was missing from his medical cupboard that he knew for a fact had always been there until today, Gaius almost wished he hadn't known the answer.

* * *

"Gaius!" Arthur burst into the physician's chambers, his heavy annoyance thoroughly blended to his anger avoiding him from realizing the state of his physician.

He did however, see the guard he assigned standing hopelessly to one side and holding several vials in both hands.

"What exactly are you doing here?" Arthur bit out angrily, and not waiting for an answer he looked back at the guard.

"I thought I told you to escort M- the sorcerer to the council room at dawn?" Arthur said, his voice almost reaching a shout.

However, when Gaius did open his mouth to reply, and before the hopeless looking guard,  _he_  did shout.

" _I_ am trying to make an antidote for the poison  _Merlin_ had ingested. Isn't it our luck though,  _sire_ , that he managed to take it long ago leaving barely enough time for me to make one? And of course, its hard to make an antidote without the poison in question, one which I very much don't have because my boy deemed it to be fit to empty the whole bottle!" Gaius' face was red by the end, completely opposite to Arthur, who while never having seen ever composed Gaius like this before, had gone completely pale himself at the man's words.

"…W-What?" he asked shakily, not daring to believe it.

"You heard me!" Gaius snapped, grabbing a vial from the haphazard stack in the guard's hands, making the guard struggle as he tried not to drop anything.

"Now move!" He was grinding whatever herbs was in the mortar with an assortment of liquids, one of which he had poured directly from the vial he had taken from the guard, as he made his way to the room at the back. Hesitantly, and feeling dizzier than ever, he followed.

He may have fainted at the sight that met his eyes, and it was only just that he managed to keep himself upright.

Laying in bed with his skin paler than the sheets below him, Merlin didn't seem to breathing, looking like he was dead already with his gaunt eyes and darkened veins visible through his skin, despite the sheen of sweat on his face.

Almost throwing the pestle on the nightstand by the bed, Gaius forced open his mouth, shaking hands letting the thick liquid make its way down to Merlin's mouth, though probably half of it spilled outside Merlin's mouth due to Gaius's intense shaking.

But when the cup was finally emptied of its contents, Gaius promptly put the cup on the nightstand as well, before making his way back to Merlin to stare at him worriedly as he put a finger to the pale boy's neck.

Arthur didn't dare breath, waiting as his own heart seemed to have stopped as he waited for Gaius to say something - anything.

And when Gaius finally stood back with an obvious sigh of relief, letting himself fall onto the bed by Merlin as he took in a deep rasping breath, his back almost arching from the bed, Arthur let himself fall as well, sliding down to the ground with his back to the wall.

* * *

"Why did you do it?" Gaius' voice was a whisper as he held Merlin's hand tightly between his own. Merlin lowered his eyes, unable to answer. The voice which had pestered him for so long was now quiet ever since he woke up, and he wasn't sure how he felt about the sudden disappearance of it as of yet.

"Oh Merlin," Gaius sighed when he realized no answer going to come, and he let his hand drop down to their joined hands.

* * *

It had been four days since he woke, and since then it had only been Gaius, Gwen, and Gwaine who actively visited him. The other knights had dropped by only recently, and that too hesitantly as they stood behind Gwaine, looking unsure and also alert, their hands near their swords. Merlin had refused to meet even Gwaine's eyes then.

He was finally able to feed himself properly, and Gaius was reluctantly letting him leave his bed though only to walk around his room. Merlin wasn't sure if Gaius wasn't letting him out of his room for fear of Merlin losing energy out of Gaius' sight, or for something to happen to Merlin in the form of the knights or people of Camelot.

He highly suspected it was the latter.

It was on the fourth day that a knock sounded on Merlin's door, much different compared to how the others would knock making it stand out more to Merlin.

He didn't reply, he never had to as anyone who knocked would let themselves in afterwards, and surely enough the door opened slowly.

Merlin paled when he saw it to be Arthur.

He was already in bed, and while every cell in his being was screaming to run away, he fought the urge as he stared at his king with unmasked fear.

It was Arthur who broke the silence first.

"You're an idiot."

Merlin blinked.

"What?" he finally managed to get his voice working, and never mind that it was hoarse from disuse - he hadn't actually spoken to anyone either since he woke up, letting the others do the talking, which Gwen and Gwaine easily did.

"I said you're an idiot," Arthur repeated. And while there weren't much trace of amusement of much fondness either in his voice, he didn't seem angry at all either.

"What in all of Camelot possessed you to - to do what you did?" Arthur suddenly exclaimed loudly, his hand gesturing wildly before he retracted it to rake his fingers through his hair.

Merlin swallowed heavily.

"Morgana's spell," he answered quietly, for the first time actually voicing out what had happened.

"What?" Now it was Arthur who looked dumbfounded.

Merlin cleared his throat.

"Morgana's spell," he said louder, though he was still looking at the blanket, refusing to meet Arthur's eyes.

"The spell she cast in the council chambers - it was a spell that was supposed to voice all the doubts, the negative side of a person and use them as valid reasons to drive them to their death," Merlin coughed lightly. It had definitely been a while since he had spoked this much.

"And… you were going to execute me anyway," Merlin mumbled, wringing his hands under the blanket.

Arthur stared.

"What… makes you say that?" Arthur asked, his voice low, and Merlin finally dared to look up.

"Its what you would have done, right?" He frowned, suddenly realizing the unsureness of his own sentence and looked back down. His uncertainty didn't go unnoticed by Arthur.

"And you were so sure of that," Arthur stated drily, but his voice was still quiet, almost soft.

Merlin blinked.

"Like I said then," Arthur stated, suddenly louder as he gingerly set himself down on Merlin's bed by his feet, his face an emotionless mask.

"And like you just proved, you really are an idiot," Arthur turned to look at Merlin, and it was only when Merlin raised his head to meet his king's gaze did Arthur continue, his eyes softening.

"But don't you dare ever do that again."

For a moment there was silence as Merlin continued to frown, ready to argue about the trial before Arthur cracked a small smile, and though his eyes held a light warning in them, Merlin's heart considerably lightened as he understood what exactly Arthur was implying.

"Yes sire," And for the first time, the respective term held no signs of mockery either as Merlin uttered the words.

* * *

Arthur still may be unsure as to where he stands with Merlin now, and there will still be many paths to cross for the two to rebuild their trust again what with many secrets having to be revealed. But the day wasn't too far ahead of them, and with it, the uniting of Albion to fulfill their prophecy as not just the Once and Future King and Emrys; but as two friends. Two brothers.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D Review please! I'd love to know your thoughts!


End file.
